While you’ve got your head in the love cocktail that’s got you feeling swooned and gaga over your MCM (man crush Monday) or WCW (woman crush Wednesday), you’re missing all the important aspects for what could truly be key to a successful and long-lasting relationship.
There are many questions you probably should be asking yourself throughout a dating relationship, but only really THREE that I feel are most important and determines whether or not he/she is that person for you.
When you date someone, you are testing waters to see if he/she is the person you want to commit to long-term, or spend the rest of your life with (unless you’re just playing the dating game).
We all have our lists- things that are priority for us when looking for “our person.” Red flags. Question marks. Deal breakers. These things may change from one person to the next, as we learn more about ourselves in relationships, as we grow and mature as individuals.
But three questions often get overlooked, because we focus so much on how we feel about ourselves/each other in the moment, and how compatible we seemingly are.
1. Has he/she been through hardship, and how did he/she come out of it?
Everyone you meet has a past, a childhood, maybe past relationships. Some history are more carefree than others.
It’s important to know how people deal with rough patches in life. Do they spiral downward refuse to come out of it? Do they hold grudges and point fingers at others without looking at the ugly truth within themselves? Do they sweep things under the rug and never deal with traumatic events? Do they pretend everything is peachy? Do they sit in bad feelings/emotions for a while, and then choose to grow from the bad cards they were dealt with?
I’m not suggesting that there is a universal right or wrong way to deal with troubles in life. Certainly don’t go looking at how people dealt with problems when they were five years old, and hold it against them, go looking to date only people who have gone through hell and survived. No, please no.
I’m asking you to think about how you would like for a partner to handle difficult times. Because how people deal with struggles says a lot about who they are, and how they will deal with hurdles you may have to face together in your relationship.
2. Do you have similar communication styles, or do the ways you communicate complement each other?
Listen, if you are finding miscommunications left and right, it’s probably something you want to look deeper and evaluate.
Miscommunications happen, and is normal. Insecurities get triggered; that is also normal. But if conversation doesn’t naturally flow sometimes, and you find yourself having trouble getting through a sentence because you’re on page 9 and they’re on page 85 more often than not, then maybe it’s worth accepting the fact that you just might not be on the same wavelength.
Before you freak out or walk away from your relationship now, I’m just going to say that there isn’t a magic number of quantity/frequency of miscommunications to warrant a red flag. I’m not even suggesting you walk away at all. I’m just saying that having similar communication styles matter a great deal. And generally having more positive communication experiences outweighing negative ones in your relationship lifetime, contribute to how “successful” (in quotes because success is also defined different by everybody) your relationship can be. And these are the things worth mulling over.
3. Regardless if you want kids or not someday…hang with me here and just imagine this: Would you be proud if your hypothetical child turns out exactly like him/her?
I’m not talking about outer appearances here, or your hypothetical child’s general personality.
I’m referring to the way your significant other/partner views relationships, treats people, and SEES the world around them. I’m talking about how they are making choices in life. Who are they choose to surround themselves with? Who do they seek advice from? How do they deal with hiccups in plans? What are they doing to better themselves?
Because if/when you are choosing for that person to be the mother/father to your child one day, you are choosing for him/her to be the role model, too. The person who will partake in teaching your kids all those things- about relationships, people, self-awareness, outlook on life, personal growth. And if not directly, then indirectly through their actions and how they live their life…because kids see everything. Kids are observant. It’s how they’ll learn most of these things.
Is “your person” the kind of influence you would want on your future child and the people around you? If your answer is yes, then great! But if you find yourself saying no…then I urge you to reconsider.
Yes, people change, people learn, people grow. There are some fundamentals that could also never change. And certainly other questions you should be asking yourself as you contemplate “long term.” But please don’t ever go into/stay in a relationship thinking/hoping/planning to change a person. It doesn’t usually work that way. And it isn’t fair for anybody involved.
If you want to build deep and meaningful relationships, step into your own greatness, and live your life filled with balance, fulfillment, and true authenticity, contact Teresa to schedule your new client complimentary session HERE. Live your life with no regrets! Let’s embark on your personal Coaching Journey together. 🙂